Incredibly honest and scary and complicated entry about WTF is going through my mind and body
I feel pretty god damn fucked up. Hard to explain. What isn't? Grahhr... I'm caffeinated and sleep deprived. And everyone knows that equals "...shit". Lawl. Um... okay. My mind has been... scary lately. More scary than usual.
It's mostly this huge, crushing and insatiable NEED to know WHY THE FUCK WE EXIST. I feel so pathetic in this tiny human body, among ceptillions of other living things and objects. Particles of dust and atoms of... existence. How do we know it IS existence? Well, we made up the word ourselves so I guess we define it. Um... yeah. I had this big epiphany kind of thing today and wrote it down. During math class. When I should've been learning but I really can't see the point anymore because what destination am I working towards? Where am I going? (Where are we going - why do we feel so small
Alone and helpless - in this big crazy world
Looking for something - thats so hard to describe
But just like children - going along for the
Ride again...ride again...ride again) Where is anyone going? It's so... painful. Physically. Because I know I need to do something physical ABOUT IT, but I;m just too small to accomplish anything significant. Every time I think about it - visualize it - all I can see are weird explosions. The ultimate expulsion of energy and matter. just BOOM! Blood and skull fragments everywhere. Yum. Speaking of that - I keep getting the weird urge to tear human beings apart. I can see it in my head in perfect detail - people I love too. That's the scariest part. I can hear the flesh tearing, taste it, see everything. It kicked in in math class mostly.
Wait - epiphany thing first. I thought - to make this easier on myself - I can just drown these thoughts out with obsessions. Immerse my brain in trivial manias so I can block it out. Yep. Which is what I've been doing pretty much all my life, only now it's not subconscious anymore. Either I'll do that or I'll just fall into that familiar depression that smothers everything else out. (Spider crawling... spider crawling.... spider crawling...)
'Kay - back to that other part. Human flesh. It was putting me in that twitchy, shaky, gagging, FURY of... having feelings in me and not being able to let them exist in the physical realm. Which happened before when I was 12 or 13 and I resorted to drawing my own blood. Not much though. Too bad. Now I just... need others'. It's terrifying because it's all that was in my head - flashes of detailed imagery, pulling pieces of body off of people. And when I was walking home from the bus stop and I saw someone on the street, I got a flash of attacking them by biting their necks and ripping away the esophagus.
So after math class, I walked full-speed (so fast my legs hurt the entire time) through the crowd, as close to the walls as possible, and into the band room, then to the theater because I felt like I really needed to talk to Kai even though I didn't even know what to say or how to say it. She wasn't there, so I went outside to get the bus and felt really vulnerable and afraid. And in pain because the sun was bright. Almost agoraphobic. Then when I got onto the bus I felt claustrophobic and couldn't stop being paranoid of all the people there. This one kid I've seen before kept looking at me. And I felt dizzy. And warm, but cold. Cold sweat. Clammy hands - clammier than usual. Then I got home and had to shove it all way down and appear normal for my mom. I started to feel sick way in the core of my stomach so I went into my room to watch TV but couldn't handle it - everything felt so trivial it made me restless and nervous. So I ran down to the basement and got my sister to let me on the computer. And here I am.
Make this stop. I really feel like I need someone to tell me to just shut the hell up - that everything is okay and it's just me who feels like this. That the feelings are fake. Which is something I actually always fear - the idea of a fake feeling makes me sick. But I don't care anymore. I feel needy... and desperate. Also kinda lonely. But crowded. I want people near me but I also want them to all stay the fuck away. Or I'll get violent. God. This entry didn't really help much.. I didn't get to say half of what I want to. I'm so afraid I'm just going to break down soon. I need pain.
Thinking about the mundane gives me this sick feeling. Schoolwork, the real world, the news, etc.
I just know I'm going to look back on this and think "did I really think that? I actually FELT like that?" I just want it to stop. Be all unconscious and stuff and make it go away. I couldn't even do that last night because I didn't fall asleep until 3:30 am. Woke up at 6. Had some Beaver Buzz. Weird thing is that I was in an amazing mood until social class. I felt energetic, talkative, alert, happy... Now I just want to smash my head repeatedly into a wall.
I feel weak and tired now. But manic at the same time.
AND THAT'S THE BEST I CAN DO FOR WORDS NOW.
"You think that if you
stopped doing something
that defined you as a
person, that maybe,
you'd cease to exist as that person?"
"The fix is probably pretty obvious. Maybe
I just need to stand
back, look at the
situation from
a new perspective.
That kinda shit"
"A closer look into
what's wrong with
you might scare
the shit outta
you."
-Johnny and Devi from I Feel Sick #2 by Jhonen Vasquez
It's mostly this huge, crushing and insatiable NEED to know WHY THE FUCK WE EXIST. I feel so pathetic in this tiny human body, among ceptillions of other living things and objects. Particles of dust and atoms of... existence. How do we know it IS existence? Well, we made up the word ourselves so I guess we define it. Um... yeah. I had this big epiphany kind of thing today and wrote it down. During math class. When I should've been learning but I really can't see the point anymore because what destination am I working towards? Where am I going? (Where are we going - why do we feel so small
Alone and helpless - in this big crazy world
Looking for something - thats so hard to describe
But just like children - going along for the
Ride again...ride again...ride again) Where is anyone going? It's so... painful. Physically. Because I know I need to do something physical ABOUT IT, but I;m just too small to accomplish anything significant. Every time I think about it - visualize it - all I can see are weird explosions. The ultimate expulsion of energy and matter. just BOOM! Blood and skull fragments everywhere. Yum. Speaking of that - I keep getting the weird urge to tear human beings apart. I can see it in my head in perfect detail - people I love too. That's the scariest part. I can hear the flesh tearing, taste it, see everything. It kicked in in math class mostly.
Wait - epiphany thing first. I thought - to make this easier on myself - I can just drown these thoughts out with obsessions. Immerse my brain in trivial manias so I can block it out. Yep. Which is what I've been doing pretty much all my life, only now it's not subconscious anymore. Either I'll do that or I'll just fall into that familiar depression that smothers everything else out. (Spider crawling... spider crawling.... spider crawling...)
'Kay - back to that other part. Human flesh. It was putting me in that twitchy, shaky, gagging, FURY of... having feelings in me and not being able to let them exist in the physical realm. Which happened before when I was 12 or 13 and I resorted to drawing my own blood. Not much though. Too bad. Now I just... need others'. It's terrifying because it's all that was in my head - flashes of detailed imagery, pulling pieces of body off of people. And when I was walking home from the bus stop and I saw someone on the street, I got a flash of attacking them by biting their necks and ripping away the esophagus.
So after math class, I walked full-speed (so fast my legs hurt the entire time) through the crowd, as close to the walls as possible, and into the band room, then to the theater because I felt like I really needed to talk to Kai even though I didn't even know what to say or how to say it. She wasn't there, so I went outside to get the bus and felt really vulnerable and afraid. And in pain because the sun was bright. Almost agoraphobic. Then when I got onto the bus I felt claustrophobic and couldn't stop being paranoid of all the people there. This one kid I've seen before kept looking at me. And I felt dizzy. And warm, but cold. Cold sweat. Clammy hands - clammier than usual. Then I got home and had to shove it all way down and appear normal for my mom. I started to feel sick way in the core of my stomach so I went into my room to watch TV but couldn't handle it - everything felt so trivial it made me restless and nervous. So I ran down to the basement and got my sister to let me on the computer. And here I am.
Make this stop. I really feel like I need someone to tell me to just shut the hell up - that everything is okay and it's just me who feels like this. That the feelings are fake. Which is something I actually always fear - the idea of a fake feeling makes me sick. But I don't care anymore. I feel needy... and desperate. Also kinda lonely. But crowded. I want people near me but I also want them to all stay the fuck away. Or I'll get violent. God. This entry didn't really help much.. I didn't get to say half of what I want to. I'm so afraid I'm just going to break down soon. I need pain.
Thinking about the mundane gives me this sick feeling. Schoolwork, the real world, the news, etc.
I just know I'm going to look back on this and think "did I really think that? I actually FELT like that?" I just want it to stop. Be all unconscious and stuff and make it go away. I couldn't even do that last night because I didn't fall asleep until 3:30 am. Woke up at 6. Had some Beaver Buzz. Weird thing is that I was in an amazing mood until social class. I felt energetic, talkative, alert, happy... Now I just want to smash my head repeatedly into a wall.
I feel weak and tired now. But manic at the same time.
AND THAT'S THE BEST I CAN DO FOR WORDS NOW.
"You think that if you
stopped doing something
that defined you as a
person, that maybe,
you'd cease to exist as that person?"
"The fix is probably pretty obvious. Maybe
I just need to stand
back, look at the
situation from
a new perspective.
That kinda shit"
"A closer look into
what's wrong with
you might scare
the shit outta
you."
-Johnny and Devi from I Feel Sick #2 by Jhonen Vasquez
posted by Spockula at 5:13 PM
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