SUPER QUICK ENTRY FROM THE BAND ROOM AGAIN.

So these past few entries I've made kinda scare me when I go back and read them. The recent ones, I mean. Seriously.. it's like not even me writing it, yet they are my words. Yeah. Today was a lot easier. Only a slight weird mood triggered by splattering fake blood all over a couple shirts for tech theater today. And that song again lol. Although there was an odd feeling of fear when I thought about the future. 'Cause there was a post-secondary day thing with booths in the gym and everyone was talking about which schools there were going to after this. Kai seems to be the only one wanting to stay in Calgary for U of C, and everyone else is leaving the province. Even me, because there's a school for animation in Kelowna. Which I might be going to this Spring Break for a "boot camp" thing. I think it's only $40 too. Don't know about transortation though. I shall email lady for answers.

Holy shit this weekend and week following are going to be HELL. Starting Saturday - I have to come to school at 8:45am for a huge Dracula rehearsal (goes until 4pm) then I have to meet West for another Zim marathon thing, then hang out with my dad on Sunday. And maybe wedge some homework in there. Then on Wednesday we're starting to learn actual wrestling moves at Jack James next door, which is also the day we have the first Dracula performance - where people come to see with tickets and stuff - AND it's the Full Moon. So... shit. At least I get to miss social and math that day for the matinee performance. Then more performances on thursday and friday. Then the weekend. And band is playing a three hour concert at Chapters for charity starting at 4:30pm. KILL ME. Or give me caffeine. Either one. Speaking of, I'm starting to have withdrawls lol. Damn lost my water bottle today... and wrestling is in 10 minutes. 9 minutes. Fook. Why must it be so hot in here? Most warmth I've had all winter >_> Can you tell my thoughts be all disjointed again today? At least I'm happy that I have an idea of what's going on with me and I'm on the way to understanding it more. If only I weren't so busy. Not mentioning details.

LMAO last night Kai said "sweet dreams" and I had a dream we were all sitting around in a grocery store eating whipped cream. But not in a kinky way. Just... eating it lmao. Good times? Weird dream... At least it wasn't scary. I GO NOW.

Again

Had another... day. Kinda like the last entry. Only weaker. But more painful in ways. Oh, and I don't care if you want to read this shit, I need to write this so it makes more sense to me. Get my words out.

Anyway, yeah. Yesterday was weird too. I was sitting in Dracula rehearsals when I got this big... compressing feeling that I'm missing something incredibly vital and important. I've never really felt that before either. It feels like the kind of thing that should be recurring, but it wasn't. First time. Anyway... again. Haha. Really depressed today. Right from when I woke up, too. Probably from the dream I had. Which I won't mention. Maybe as friends-only post on LJ. Even though the only people who read this blog are the ones who are ON my friends-only list on LJ. I'd do that now but LJ it blocked from the school. BUT WHATEVER. I have wrestling in ten minutes. Just ran upstairs in the band room to charge my iPod a little. Damn thing keeps almost dying around last period... FOCUS, DAMN IT!

This girl in my art class was talking about how she's going to go to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation kind of thing, complete with MRIs and shit. She was really scared, and the idea of it was freaking me out. Yet, I also thought that it might be a really good idea. I know there are some things wrong with me, but I don't know what they are or how to fix it. So... Maybe. I should talk to a councellor first. If I had time. I should MAKE time. Seriously. It feels like it's getting more and more important to get outside help lately. Like for the fact that I have absolutely no motivation for anything, especially math and social class. Everything else is pretty okay... Maybe it's the whole "everything is too damn mundane" thing again. SHIT it's hot up here. I don't even need math or social to do what I want to do career-wise. But I still need to graduate. I think math is turning into a sort of phobia... sort of. Like today when the teacher was talking, it felt like the words were making my brain dirty and not right. Then I put my headphones in and felt 100% better. And I listened to something other than Boingo today! All my depressing emo shit that't not Boingo. But still lots of Boingo. Damn I really love them. And now to go get changed for wrestling.

Incredibly honest and scary and complicated entry about WTF is going through my mind and body

I feel pretty god damn fucked up. Hard to explain. What isn't? Grahhr... I'm caffeinated and sleep deprived. And everyone knows that equals "...shit". Lawl. Um... okay. My mind has been... scary lately. More scary than usual.

It's mostly this huge, crushing and insatiable NEED to know WHY THE FUCK WE EXIST. I feel so pathetic in this tiny human body, among ceptillions of other living things and objects. Particles of dust and atoms of... existence. How do we know it IS existence? Well, we made up the word ourselves so I guess we define it. Um... yeah. I had this big epiphany kind of thing today and wrote it down. During math class. When I should've been learning but I really can't see the point anymore because what destination am I working towards? Where am I going? (Where are we going - why do we feel so small
Alone and helpless - in this big crazy world
Looking for something - thats so hard to describe
But just like children - going along for the
Ride again...ride again...ride again) Where is anyone going? It's so... painful. Physically. Because I know I need to do something physical ABOUT IT, but I;m just too small to accomplish anything significant. Every time I think about it - visualize it - all I can see are weird explosions. The ultimate expulsion of energy and matter. just BOOM! Blood and skull fragments everywhere. Yum. Speaking of that - I keep getting the weird urge to tear human beings apart. I can see it in my head in perfect detail - people I love too. That's the scariest part. I can hear the flesh tearing, taste it, see everything. It kicked in in math class mostly.

Wait - epiphany thing first. I thought - to make this easier on myself - I can just drown these thoughts out with obsessions. Immerse my brain in trivial manias so I can block it out. Yep. Which is what I've been doing pretty much all my life, only now it's not subconscious anymore. Either I'll do that or I'll just fall into that familiar depression that smothers everything else out. (Spider crawling... spider crawling.... spider crawling...)

'Kay - back to that other part. Human flesh. It was putting me in that twitchy, shaky, gagging, FURY of... having feelings in me and not being able to let them exist in the physical realm. Which happened before when I was 12 or 13 and I resorted to drawing my own blood. Not much though. Too bad. Now I just... need others'. It's terrifying because it's all that was in my head - flashes of detailed imagery, pulling pieces of body off of people. And when I was walking home from the bus stop and I saw someone on the street, I got a flash of attacking them by biting their necks and ripping away the esophagus.

So after math class, I walked full-speed (so fast my legs hurt the entire time) through the crowd, as close to the walls as possible, and into the band room, then to the theater because I felt like I really needed to talk to Kai even though I didn't even know what to say or how to say it. She wasn't there, so I went outside to get the bus and felt really vulnerable and afraid. And in pain because the sun was bright. Almost agoraphobic. Then when I got onto the bus I felt claustrophobic and couldn't stop being paranoid of all the people there. This one kid I've seen before kept looking at me. And I felt dizzy. And warm, but cold. Cold sweat. Clammy hands - clammier than usual. Then I got home and had to shove it all way down and appear normal for my mom. I started to feel sick way in the core of my stomach so I went into my room to watch TV but couldn't handle it - everything felt so trivial it made me restless and nervous. So I ran down to the basement and got my sister to let me on the computer. And here I am.

Make this stop. I really feel like I need someone to tell me to just shut the hell up - that everything is okay and it's just me who feels like this. That the feelings are fake. Which is something I actually always fear - the idea of a fake feeling makes me sick. But I don't care anymore. I feel needy... and desperate. Also kinda lonely. But crowded. I want people near me but I also want them to all stay the fuck away. Or I'll get violent. God. This entry didn't really help much.. I didn't get to say half of what I want to. I'm so afraid I'm just going to break down soon. I need pain.

Thinking about the mundane gives me this sick feeling. Schoolwork, the real world, the news, etc.

I just know I'm going to look back on this and think "did I really think that? I actually FELT like that?" I just want it to stop. Be all unconscious and stuff and make it go away. I couldn't even do that last night because I didn't fall asleep until 3:30 am. Woke up at 6. Had some Beaver Buzz. Weird thing is that I was in an amazing mood until social class. I felt energetic, talkative, alert, happy... Now I just want to smash my head repeatedly into a wall.

I feel weak and tired now. But manic at the same time.

AND THAT'S THE BEST I CAN DO FOR WORDS NOW.


"You think that if you
stopped doing something
that defined you as a
person, that maybe,
you'd cease to exist as that person?"

"The fix is probably pretty obvious. Maybe
I just need to stand
back, look at the
situation from
a new perspective.

That kinda shit"

"A closer look into
what's wrong with
you might scare
the shit outta
you."

-Johnny and Devi from I Feel Sick #2 by Jhonen Vasquez

Nothing in particular

Sometimes I wonder why people even bother with blogs. I could just as easily (or more easily) not post, but I always choose to. Why though? Maybe because it's an easier way to tell a small group of people about the things that are going on in my life, how I'm feeling, bitch about people who annoy me and don't read this, etc. I think I just like the idea of laying all my thoughts out in an easily readable format. But enough about that... I think I'm going to talk about Halloween now.

In short: It was disappointing. I was looking forward to spending it with a few people who made other plans, leaving me alone with Nina and Devin. Who decided to "hook up" sometime during the night. Anyway, I was thinking at least Rocky Horror would make the night worth it. But once I got there, something just didn't feel right. We managed to get there early enough to be first in line, and in line with us were some friendly talkative people I found out were friends with Jenn. Small world. One girl said they were from Airdrie so I asked them if she knew her, and they said yeah. I said me and her were best friends since grade 1 and they said they had heard about me. Which was creepy, knowing that she talked about me a lot to her other friends. But anyway, they were really nice, we sat together in the theatre, etc. What sucked about the movie though was that on Halloween, all the stupid virgins come out. People were throwing their toilet paper when Rocky's bandages were coming off (which is at least slightly undertstandable, but it wouldn't kill you to read the piece of paper that comes with prop kits), barely any toast was actually toasted, and more people had their lights up when they said "darkness" than when it said "light". Especially during Riff's solo. Even though everyone was yelling at them to stop. And water was being squirted throughout the entire movie. All over my cold, naked back lmao. And something didn't feel right about the call out lines. I think it's safe to say that Saturday kicked way more ass than Halloween. Oh, and Devin looks hilarous in drag XD

After the movie, the three of us walked to the train station with West, went to get pizza, then went back to the train station. We went to Marlborough station and got a cab to this guy names Derek's house for a "party". It turned out to be a little group of high/drunk drama geeks in a basement. One (who is playing Dracula in the upcoming play) was dessed like an emo for Halloween, along with this other kid who I actually really hate (Kai, you know him - Jordan something. He said Zim sucks when we played it in the library in Baz. Stupid dick.) He was on E all night so he didn't recognize me lol. He kept saying "titties". Oh, and the entire night I was still in what I wore at Rocky Horror (bra, miniskirt, and fishnets) all night because I'm retarded and didn't think about weather. So I was shivering all night. We ended up sleeping there then went back to my house aroung 9 am. Walking distance. We skipped school and lied around in my room until about 4 pm. Until Devin and Nina started making out in my bed. With me in it. So I went on the computer and my mom kicked them out.

Oh, the Halloween stuff at school wasn't that great either. At lunch, me and Kai judged the costume and accent contest and sat around in our costumes. Poli-grip is fucking nasty. Then I was the only one in my social class weariong a costume. Awkward. Especially with the big Spock ears. (I was literally Spockula, by the way. Vampire-esque dress, make-up, fangs, and the ears.) Then after school there was a little party in the band room. I played a game of crappy DDR with Kai, had some 7 Up that tasted like blood, then left with Nina to get ready for the rest of the night. So I wasn't that optimistic about much at that point. Oh, and not to mention a rather unpleasant phone converstion. [I was calling you for HELP. You could have at least PRETENDED to give a shit.]

The only good thing that came out of the night was when my aunt gave me fifty dollars for my birthday, then bought my portable DVD player for another fifty (mostly out of pity. She didn't even really want it lol) so now I have enough for that corset. Which I will be buying tomorrow before I go to West's for the Zim marathon. Which I am now prepared for because Bethany is awesome and went to Sandra's to get my DVDs for me <3>DOWNLOAD LATER!!!

This post is very bi-polar lol. And long. Daaamn. I think I'm going to go draw now.

Everything seems to be losing meaning lately. Just felt like getting that out there. Nothing else to say.

P.S - Halloween sucked.