Haven't posted here in a really long time... No one reads it anyway. It's mostly just for me. I'd post to LJ but I'm at school - I'd use LogMeIn.com to access my home computer, but our internet got cut off.

So... Incredibly stressed out again. I said before I wasn't going to stay in tech theater after Dracula, but here I am. Show week. Had our first performance this morning and it didn't go too badly. Another one tonight, and one a night all this week. I thought it was going to be fun because I woke up feeling refreshed and energized for once, even though I only got three hours of sleep. I walked outside and it was beautiful out - it had rained a lot in the night so everything was wet and had that fresh rain smell to it. And I could see the Moon - it was all hazy and blurred from the clouds, so it had a parchment yellow tinge to it. Exactly half today. It was pretty warm too. I got an energy drink (NOS) and got to school early. Missed my morning classes for the performance. Everything was feeling pretty good, until we were five minutes to curtain and we couldn't find Joy or Carter - stage manager and assistant stage manager. So we were all really nervous and stressed because we were all running around trying to find people to do their jobs. They both showed up about 10 minutes into the show and we got everything under control. Everyone was in a bad mood though, which was really depressing. I started to feel sick, getting headaches and stuff from being nervous. So all my energy and good mood just fell away. Lunch came, we split up, blah blah blah. So here I am on my spare, depressed. At least I only have English and a clarinet sectional today, aside from the evening performance. Oh and I got my English homework done in about three minutes.

I've been a little bit depressed a lot lately. A lot of things going on in my life - at home, with friends, boyfriend, school, etc. At least I relieved a lot of stress by getting REALLY drunk on the weekend at the Plaza. That kicked ass. It only took two coolers this time. Never drinking rum again, by the way. Yuck. I actually almost threw up this time and had a hang over. But had a lot of fun. We watched Pan's Labyrinth, then when the actual paying customers left, Double Tee set the DVD projector up for us (me, Carter, and West) and we watched a few episodes of Zim. We quickly lost interest in favor of the alcohol though, and put my iPod on some Boingo. I was singing along at the top of my lungs and dancing around lol. Around 2am Phil came in with a few friends after hanging out at a bar, put on some crappy music, and got more alcohol. I didn't have anymore though. Carter somehow got me to take a drink of the rum straight - the very memory of that shit makes me want to throw up ><

Anyway... Boingo obsession further escalating. The very last Johnny Vatos Tribute to Halloween is taking place in October this year, and there's a chance I might be able to go. As long as I get a job when tech is over, start saving up, get a passport, and possibly a fake ID if needed. Carter wants to come too. We're going to meet this girl I met on the Steve Bartek forums - she offered to send me some money for a plane ticket, but if I can I'll save up for my own. We'll probably just meet her at the airport, go to the concert with her, then stay with her, wherever her and her friends are staying. Normally I'd be really paranoid about meeting someone like that, but I'll be okay because Carter will be with me.

Relationship problems... I was going to talk about that at length because it's been on my mind a LOT lately, but I'm somewhat paranoid about putting that on the internet, even though there's about a 1% chance someone I know will find it and mention it. I've brought it up a few times with friends and my mom, but I don't know... Things don't feel right the way they are. My Tarot cards confirmed it.

I feel like being with someone... A friend. Anyone. I feel distant and alone. I still have those seratonin booster pills Carter gave me...

Booooooh....

Yet another CALM class. Should be working on portfolio, but I'm lazy. But I is sneaky. And here instead. I'm also paranoid. Not much to talk about... Other than I hate math class alot less and a lot more at the same time. More because I get paper airplanes thrown at me then I get laughed at for getting mad. Less because I talked to my teacher after getting some help and I don't know why exactly, but it made me feel better about math. I hate the amount of times I just said the word "math" LOL.

Life's a lot less stressful now. I dropped wrestling and Dracula's over - all that's left is the wrap-up party after school today (which is being advertised over the intercom as a "very important meeting in the theater at 2:15 lmao). I would have stayed with wrestling, but because there's a really good chance my anxiety attack/mental-emotional breakdown was caused by stress, I decided it's not worth it. Especially since practice is five days a week now, half at another school. So fuck that. I'm going to probably be backstage crew for the dance production Follow The Yellow Brick Road again. I said I wouldn't, but... I don't know. It's supposed to be a lot easier because there are a lot less props. It's mainly audio and light, and maybe some furniture and set flats. I might do makeup too. Which I've started wearing myself this week. I had some extra time in the morning and wanted to try something different lol. Woooo 10-15 more minutes until lunch.

Xmas shopping this weekend. Probably. Either that or wandering around the mall with Kai and Carter. Whee.

Goodbye, Goodbye.

"How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light."

- Barry Lopez

SUPER QUICK ENTRY FROM THE BAND ROOM AGAIN.

So these past few entries I've made kinda scare me when I go back and read them. The recent ones, I mean. Seriously.. it's like not even me writing it, yet they are my words. Yeah. Today was a lot easier. Only a slight weird mood triggered by splattering fake blood all over a couple shirts for tech theater today. And that song again lol. Although there was an odd feeling of fear when I thought about the future. 'Cause there was a post-secondary day thing with booths in the gym and everyone was talking about which schools there were going to after this. Kai seems to be the only one wanting to stay in Calgary for U of C, and everyone else is leaving the province. Even me, because there's a school for animation in Kelowna. Which I might be going to this Spring Break for a "boot camp" thing. I think it's only $40 too. Don't know about transortation though. I shall email lady for answers.

Holy shit this weekend and week following are going to be HELL. Starting Saturday - I have to come to school at 8:45am for a huge Dracula rehearsal (goes until 4pm) then I have to meet West for another Zim marathon thing, then hang out with my dad on Sunday. And maybe wedge some homework in there. Then on Wednesday we're starting to learn actual wrestling moves at Jack James next door, which is also the day we have the first Dracula performance - where people come to see with tickets and stuff - AND it's the Full Moon. So... shit. At least I get to miss social and math that day for the matinee performance. Then more performances on thursday and friday. Then the weekend. And band is playing a three hour concert at Chapters for charity starting at 4:30pm. KILL ME. Or give me caffeine. Either one. Speaking of, I'm starting to have withdrawls lol. Damn lost my water bottle today... and wrestling is in 10 minutes. 9 minutes. Fook. Why must it be so hot in here? Most warmth I've had all winter >_> Can you tell my thoughts be all disjointed again today? At least I'm happy that I have an idea of what's going on with me and I'm on the way to understanding it more. If only I weren't so busy. Not mentioning details.

LMAO last night Kai said "sweet dreams" and I had a dream we were all sitting around in a grocery store eating whipped cream. But not in a kinky way. Just... eating it lmao. Good times? Weird dream... At least it wasn't scary. I GO NOW.

Again

Had another... day. Kinda like the last entry. Only weaker. But more painful in ways. Oh, and I don't care if you want to read this shit, I need to write this so it makes more sense to me. Get my words out.

Anyway, yeah. Yesterday was weird too. I was sitting in Dracula rehearsals when I got this big... compressing feeling that I'm missing something incredibly vital and important. I've never really felt that before either. It feels like the kind of thing that should be recurring, but it wasn't. First time. Anyway... again. Haha. Really depressed today. Right from when I woke up, too. Probably from the dream I had. Which I won't mention. Maybe as friends-only post on LJ. Even though the only people who read this blog are the ones who are ON my friends-only list on LJ. I'd do that now but LJ it blocked from the school. BUT WHATEVER. I have wrestling in ten minutes. Just ran upstairs in the band room to charge my iPod a little. Damn thing keeps almost dying around last period... FOCUS, DAMN IT!

This girl in my art class was talking about how she's going to go to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation kind of thing, complete with MRIs and shit. She was really scared, and the idea of it was freaking me out. Yet, I also thought that it might be a really good idea. I know there are some things wrong with me, but I don't know what they are or how to fix it. So... Maybe. I should talk to a councellor first. If I had time. I should MAKE time. Seriously. It feels like it's getting more and more important to get outside help lately. Like for the fact that I have absolutely no motivation for anything, especially math and social class. Everything else is pretty okay... Maybe it's the whole "everything is too damn mundane" thing again. SHIT it's hot up here. I don't even need math or social to do what I want to do career-wise. But I still need to graduate. I think math is turning into a sort of phobia... sort of. Like today when the teacher was talking, it felt like the words were making my brain dirty and not right. Then I put my headphones in and felt 100% better. And I listened to something other than Boingo today! All my depressing emo shit that't not Boingo. But still lots of Boingo. Damn I really love them. And now to go get changed for wrestling.